Friday, June 11, 2010

My First Kiss, aka : )

So, even though there are not that many of you, I would like to share the story of my first kiss with you.

Before the first kiss you probably need some background as too what lead up to the relationship, and eventually the kiss(ing ; )

There was a guy, I had known him from school activities, and a few classes together, for now I shall call him...Asher, because I have always loved the name.

Asher was, and is a very good looking guy, in addition to his tan skin and great hair, he had my favorite thing on a guy: Facial Hair (!!!!) He is smart, dorky, and great at conversation. He also had one characteristic about him that sealed the deal. He is gay.

Sure, before the conversation in which I told him and vise versa, (and he was the first person I had ever told) I am gay, I pretty much knew he was gay. His loves Oprah, dresses well, has effeminate mannerisms, and just sent my gay-dar into a frenzy. But even with those assumptions I wasn't sure because he is closeted, before I told him I was gay I had to be sure, so the following conversation (which was so sweet you might puke...) happened.

Me: "Ummm...Asher?"
Asher: "Yea?"
Me: "Well....I have a proposition to make."
Asher: "Sure?"
Me: "I will ask you three questions, and if you answer them truthfully, I will do the same."
Me: "First are you seeing anyone?"
Asher: "No"
Me: "Are"
Asher: "....yes"
(My life got a whole lot brighter)
Me: "And third...Do you like me...?"
Asher: "...Yea"
Me: "Okay Now your turn..."
Asher: "Ditto,Ditto,Ditto"
Me: "....No....(Hardest thing I ever said)....yea....And....A whole lot."
Asher: "Ohhh"
And then He smiled, I smiled right back!

Later on in the friendship, we were hanging out in his basement, talking about random childhood stories, and facts, when again I said something than asked another question.
Me: "Voglio baciarla realmente." (I really Want to kiss you in Italian) Will you sit next to me?"
(He didn't know what that meant fully at the time, but he probably saw it in my eyes.)
He than came, tentatively, over beside me, sat down, and looked up at me.
At this point my heart was beating like a drum.
Asher: "Yea?"
I then took his glasses off slowly, leaned closer and said:
Me: " I really, really want to kiss you...and so I am going to..." (I know...rather smart ass of me ; )
We both leaned in and shared our mutual first kiss.

To those who are Homosexual, and have never kissed, or been kissed by a guy/girl, (depending on whether you are gay or lesbian) There is nothing that can compare with the feelings of joy, as well as the melting down of past insecurities that comes with the action. That one moment alone, though the relationship did end, changed my life forever. I knew at that point that throwing away my life, for the hopes of a good afterlife, was insane.

I have never been able to settle, I am more competitive that you could possibly imagine, and I could never settle for anything but love with a man. To those who have managed to "overcome" SSA, a disgusting term for a limited imagination, I don't know how you did/do it, but I wish you happiness, and though it is not my place, I encourage you to have your REAL first kiss and than decide whether it is "evil" or like I have decided, just a different type of beautiful.

(And "Asher" if you are reading this, and see anything you wish to change or tweak due to inaccuracy, let me know through email, and I will.)


  1. I think it is a different type of beautiful and not at all evil like you said. I love the line, "I knew at that point that throwing away my life, for the hopes of a good afterlife was insane." And I'll say it again, you are a very courageous person. Grazie per l'ispirazione!

  2. Aww... the conversation was so sweet...!
    But still I didnt puke. Haha

  3. Jone
    Ohhh Good, I was afraid it was like a fired twinkie, good...but sickly sweet...I guess not!

    Ty! I just more people realized that being gay in a hetro. relationship will only lead to pain on both sides! C'est terrific

  4. I loved this story. The feeling I had with my first kiss was an amazing confirmation that I was gay. I've never kissed a girl, but part of that confirmation was finding out why I'd never had that desire even if I'd tried.

  5. Thanks GMB. I had another "First kiss" tonight and doubt I will be able to sleep...Wow being "In like" is one of the greatest feelings...It fills you up to the point of breaking, but still leaves you hungry.

  6. What a sweet story, BHG. I think you got it right. And thanks for the sweet name!

    All the best to you, Butterflies :)


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