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Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Un-Conversion story

Hello again from Butterflies and Hand-Grenades. I understand that this post I a whole12 hours ago…but….the initial excitement of creating a blog requires that I post every few hours and check every 15 min. Haha which is quite hard considering the bind I am in. I have only told 1 person in my life that I am gay (besides any other bloggers reading this, but that truly doesn’t count in my opinion) you may know him as FLS and he truly has been understanding which unlike pity, sympathy, and “acceptance” (a word for the truly naïve) is something I truly needed. As you may have noticed from reading some of my blog I am quite….blunt, some might call it venomous but I like the term blunt a whole lot more!

If you are reading this you are probably someone from the MoHo (organization?) or just a curious blogger, and I don’t want to be rude, but I do want to be myself and that is blunt. So let me be frank, (another word I like more than venomous) I am not looking for re-conversion and here is why.

Since my beloved grandmother died when I was 8 years old to about 3 months ago I prayed every single night without fail, which means about 3,000 prayers. In every single one of them I said and please tell my grandmother I love her and I miss her and that I needed her help to let me know that the gospel was true. In addition I have been to three different temples at least 12 times, and just like in my prayers I never felt anything besides hollow. To all who felt empty you know how truly horrible it feels to be hollow.

Some of you may be like my bishop and say “don’t give up on god he hasn’t given up on you” and he hasn’t “given up on me” I realize that, but the reason is this because giving up implies being there to begin with. And as hopeless as that sounds that is how I have felt for years. I remember being confirmed a deacon and feeling like I was covered in slime. I felt so bad that after the meeting I left to go vomit in the bathroom. To top it all I was, two weeks later, called to be the president of the quorum. I just remember feeling like I am an imposter and I never wanted to feel that again. But sadly where I lived there were very few members so every 2 months the bishop would give an interview to do baptisms for the dead the worst time went like this.

(me) hello bishop. (Bishop) “Hello please take a seat. So let’s get down to business there are 6 kids waiting behind you. So do you have a testimony of the godhead? (me) (At that time I really did) yes. (Bishop) Do you have a testimony of….(ect. ect.)(than towards the end he asked something I think was very unorthodox which was probably motivated by my characteristically high voice and good falsetto singing voice) “Son are you a homosexual”

It was like being splashed with cold water as you know if you were ever asked that question when you were totally unprepared and unsure. I somehow managed to breathe out the word “no”, and because when we get the answer we want to hear we think it is truth, he didn’t say anything else about it….thankfully. But the fact that saying I was gay could have denied me entrance to the temple when I was completely innocent outside of minor sins like lying and thinking mean things about mean people completely boggled my mind and made me feel revolting. So that is why, in a lot of ways, I have given up…I hope that I haven’t exhausted your tolerance for melodrama….but as Oscar Wilde once said

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” And with this blog I feel like I finally have a mask of security and an outlet for telling the truth.

3 comments:

  1. BHG, It is okay to abbreviate? I understand why the experiences of your life could lead to your feelings expressed in this post. I have learned not to close too many doors in my life. I have had to go back through some of them again as my life experiences and understanding have changed. For example, at one time, I never would have dreamed that my political views would have changed as much as they have.

    Had I slammed the door, closed my mind, to new ideas or allowed for the fact that the world around us is forever changing, and may require adjustments in my mindset, I may have missed out on unique opportunities to learn.

    Hopefully we will be open minded enough to continue to learn and grow, adjust and reevaluate throughout the course of our lives.

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  2. I appreciate your message and I truly understand that limiting my options only limits me. And a limited person is forever regretful.

    Also it is okay to abbreviate...my name is rather long : )

    I just was recommended to create a blog by a friend you know as FLS, and even though we are looking for similar things, I know that what I'm looking for is not religious I know what I believe and it is not an organized religion. But thanks so much for being the first or second person to read my blog...it makes me feel like there is a point to writing.

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  3. Just stumbled upon your blog. I must say I’ve been in your place before. The most difficult years of my life were ages 15 and 16. Things completely changed for me by the time I was 20 and serving a mission and then completely shifted again when I realized I was gay and my life plan was not all it was cracked up to be. Honestly, though, I’m as happy as I’ve ever been.

    My comment’s not so much constructive as it is encouraging. I’m eagerly awaiting another post. You’ve got some impressive writing skills for your age.

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