Sunday, May 30, 2010

Life is speeding up!

I figured, since my last posts have been nothing but sob-stories I would try something new!

So...In the way of updates here is what has happened recently!
1. Came out to my best friend for years, and received the kindest and most open reception to my sexuality I have had so far!
2. I am getting to leave my house and go out on my own for college this summer, and I couldn't be more excited!
3. I have decided that this entire summer I will really put myself out there and be openly gay.
4. The lose ends I have seen in my life have all started to come together.
5. I have never been happier than I have been in the last month.
6. (though random) I made a quiche today that was BEYOND amazing.(Ohhh and btw I am a fantastic chef)
7. I have started to become less cold and hard on people in many cases, and in other's I have cut off some unhealthy friendships (not with you FLS : )
8. I have started to develop allot more hope.

So those are my updates. Something I saw on Hulu recently shocked me to a huge extent and If you are gay and reading this I STRONGLY recommend that you watch it it really hits home and is something that, if awareness was raised we could help stop! -look it up if you would like : )

Until next time,

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Un-Conversion story

Hello again from Butterflies and Hand-Grenades. I understand that this post I a whole12 hours ago…but….the initial excitement of creating a blog requires that I post every few hours and check every 15 min. Haha which is quite hard considering the bind I am in. I have only told 1 person in my life that I am gay (besides any other bloggers reading this, but that truly doesn’t count in my opinion) you may know him as FLS and he truly has been understanding which unlike pity, sympathy, and “acceptance” (a word for the truly na├»ve) is something I truly needed. As you may have noticed from reading some of my blog I am quite….blunt, some might call it venomous but I like the term blunt a whole lot more!

If you are reading this you are probably someone from the MoHo (organization?) or just a curious blogger, and I don’t want to be rude, but I do want to be myself and that is blunt. So let me be frank, (another word I like more than venomous) I am not looking for re-conversion and here is why.

Since my beloved grandmother died when I was 8 years old to about 3 months ago I prayed every single night without fail, which means about 3,000 prayers. In every single one of them I said and please tell my grandmother I love her and I miss her and that I needed her help to let me know that the gospel was true. In addition I have been to three different temples at least 12 times, and just like in my prayers I never felt anything besides hollow. To all who felt empty you know how truly horrible it feels to be hollow.

Some of you may be like my bishop and say “don’t give up on god he hasn’t given up on you” and he hasn’t “given up on me” I realize that, but the reason is this because giving up implies being there to begin with. And as hopeless as that sounds that is how I have felt for years. I remember being confirmed a deacon and feeling like I was covered in slime. I felt so bad that after the meeting I left to go vomit in the bathroom. To top it all I was, two weeks later, called to be the president of the quorum. I just remember feeling like I am an imposter and I never wanted to feel that again. But sadly where I lived there were very few members so every 2 months the bishop would give an interview to do baptisms for the dead the worst time went like this.

(me) hello bishop. (Bishop) “Hello please take a seat. So let’s get down to business there are 6 kids waiting behind you. So do you have a testimony of the godhead? (me) (At that time I really did) yes. (Bishop) Do you have a testimony of….(ect. ect.)(than towards the end he asked something I think was very unorthodox which was probably motivated by my characteristically high voice and good falsetto singing voice) “Son are you a homosexual”

It was like being splashed with cold water as you know if you were ever asked that question when you were totally unprepared and unsure. I somehow managed to breathe out the word “no”, and because when we get the answer we want to hear we think it is truth, he didn’t say anything else about it….thankfully. But the fact that saying I was gay could have denied me entrance to the temple when I was completely innocent outside of minor sins like lying and thinking mean things about mean people completely boggled my mind and made me feel revolting. So that is why, in a lot of ways, I have given up…I hope that I haven’t exhausted your tolerance for melodrama….but as Oscar Wilde once said

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” And with this blog I feel like I finally have a mask of security and an outlet for telling the truth.

Who visited lil' ol' me