Saturday, December 4, 2010

About this "SECRET" Moho face book group....

Have fun, but this doesn't make you "out." And ask a person before adding them to a group that promotes an organization that sees homosexuals as a cause for pity, and prayer. (I'll forgive you Boy-.)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Wow, wow

I just got home from some major coworker partying...Nothing R rated (sadly :P). We went to Applebees and I wanted to share a truly moving experience.

When we came in (around 1030) we all sat down and quickly began carousing. About 15 min. later I noticed a man sitting in a booth not to far from us alone. He seemed rather creepy at first, early to late fifties, gray hair, and he seemed like he was staring at the girls in our party...My coworkers are far as women go... :P. So the creeping seemed most likely. I wanted a better look, just to see if my suspicions were well founded, and I was surprised when I figured things out...

It wasn't my coworkers that he was looking at, it was me...He was staring just at me...I than noticed the purple shirt with stage logo's on it, his left ear piercings, and his effeminate jawline...he was an old queen, and I smiled at him and went back to being the life of the party...This is not my ego...being gay and 100% out in Idaho is like being a male Ellen D. I have fans....and it is exhausting :)

About 45 min. later I felt a hand grab my shoulder, and it was him, the queen I had forgotten about in my festivities. (I say this trying not to cry...) He was crying, he was smiling, and than he said "If I had possessed even a fraction of the courage, and had even an portion of the comfort with myself that you have at your age, my life could have been so beautiful...tonight, just watching how you pushed the boundaries, joked, made EVERYONE at that table fall madly in love with your humor made me so regretful, and hopeful...all at the same time...I don't know whether to laugh or cry...but being the queen I am, I am already crying..."

I listened to this, trying not to let my inner queen out, and leaned up and kissed him on his scraggily cheek and said "It is not just me, it is this generation...The things that your generation have done has made it so that I could be me, and others in the LGBT community could be themselves. We know who we are, and we will change this country, I hope we both can see it one day."

He than said, still crying "Ohhh I will long be buried in my glittery coffin by the time kids like you can end all the hatred..."

I said "Well, than a few weeks before you pass... Cryogenicly freeze yourself, and when you wake up, I will have the worlds greatest themed brunch ready in celebration."

He cried some more, we hugged goodbye and I will probably never see him again...

This may sound crazy, impossible, and unlikely...But it really happened....and in Idaho falls,

"It's a small world after all..."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

God V. Santa Clause

So, in my mind I have been thinking (Imagine that...) and I am noticing some odd parallels between Santa Clause, and "God" and so...I will now stage a mental battle between the two in a mildly passive, comparative, altercation.

Santa Clause:
  • White beard
  • If you are good all year long, you receive rewards!!
  • There is no proof of his existence, and you only receive the rewards if you "believe!!"
  • Feeling like there is someone who cares about you, and who will be proud of you if you do good is a characteristic of the man in red and white.
  • Can preform miracles
  • Has a host of underlings who sing
  • Is in a general Up..ish direction (North pole)
  • Sees you when you are sleeping, and logically awake as well (All knowing...maybe)
  • Old
  • Has been portrayed in many different ways
  • Appears in many different cultures with different names and traditions
  • Finding out he doesn't exist is a bit of a bitch...

The story of how I found out there was no Santa at age 6:
For Christmas I received EXACTLY what I wanted, that being a pogo stick! I was thrilled when I saw it, and vowed to "KEEP IT FOREVEEEERRRRRR." It was from the mysterious and undeniably delicious man on the left and to the top :D. "Santa...I will love you forever!!

Seven months we had a garage sale, that pogo stick, the one that I had DEARLY loved was up to the highest bidder!! I being almost seven, having grown tired of my childish love of bouncing up and down decided it was time to let go. I however, not having a clear grasp of depreciation asked my dear sweet mother how much I should sell it for. In the words of Weird Al, "My dear, sweat mother than looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train and said...": "Well I bought it for 30$ so I think you should sell it for 10$." Ohhhh snap...there went my world...( I never forget gifts, and than I cried...allot. Thankfully my mother felt sufficiently awful about it and kept muttering "shit, SHIT...shit" under her breath she didn't think I could hear it...think again dream killer...


  • White beard
  • If you are good all life long you will be rewarded!!
  • Despite what people would like to say, there is no proof of his existence, and in order to receive the "rewards" you must "BELIEVE!!"
  • Feeling like there is someone who cares about you, and who will be proud of you if you do good is a characteristic of the man in white and...white.
  • Can preform miracles
  • Has a host of underlings who sing
  • Is in a very Up..ish direction.
  • Very, very Old
  • Is all knowing
  • Has been portrayed in many different ways like Allah, and Italian food (:D)
  • Appears in many different cultures with different names and traditions
  • Finding out he doesn't exist is a the definition of bitch...
The story of how I found out god doesn't exist:
(Random fact...I do most of my theological thinking in the shower....crazy, right??)
I was 15, I had a razor blade, I was desperate, I was completely lost, I was lonely, I was depressed, and I needed a sigh, I just needed to know that if I chose to remain a good Mormon that it wouldn't be a waste, and that I could be happy. I had decided that if I didn't get an answer I would swap my emotional pain for physical. I prayed harder than I ever had, I laid myself bare, and I felt....nothing, not a warm feeling, not love, only the cold caress of the water that had long gone cold. I didn't want them to show, so I didn't slit my wrists, instead I carved into my thigh, my knee, and my calf. Thin but deep slits that bleed, and bleed. In my utter desolation, as I watched the water turn red, I screamed out to god, or whoever was listening one word. "FINNNEEEEE!" and turned the water off.
Maybe because I wasn't trying to commit suicide, or maybe because I got lucky, I didn't lose a significant amount of blood I staunched the bleeding, ate 4 bananas because I knew the vitamin K would help the blood clot, and used about 20 butterfly stitches, and a dozen bandages. My parents still don't know this story, and I doubt I will ever share it with them. I wore long pants, and pajamas without fail, and they never saw the bandages. My legs are rather hairy, and now the scars aren't even visible (Unless you count the one on my knee, that one really shows for some reason...I told the parents it was a biking accident.) (Please don't feel bad for me, or sad for me. I am not ashamed, embarrassed, or proud of what I did, I just don't really feel anything about it, not even regret. I am also NOT even remotely suicidal, I like guys way too much to give up on finding the right "one.")


So, who wins?? God has Morgan Freeman's incredibly sexy voice, but Santa is sexy all around (At least in the above picture...and the one below I couldn't resist posting!! The awnser, in my mind: Santa, it hurts less when you stop believing in him, and no one tries to convince you he is still there.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Hi! It's Butterflies and hand grenades again, and this time with a real post.

Frankly, the novelty of the "veil of secrecy" that comes with a my title is wearing thin, and so without further ado...Me:

My name is Robert Douglas Higley, but I go by Bobby :)
The name Butterflies and Hand Grenades came from my Initials, as defined by me.

(Quite simple, right?)

I am tired of hiding on blogger, because I am no longer hiding in real life, and being closeted online is rather silly when even my neighbors I haven't met know I'm of the clan of men who have lot's of shoes. This because I blast Ke$ha and Gaga every other day. (I then of course proceed to BELT the lyrics as loud as possible while dancing in my room :D )

So, here is a link to my Facebook @ <-
I don't have a Myspace :(
And if you as for my phone # and I ascertain that you are not a fifty year old creep (No offence to the fifty year old creeps who read...I assume there are VAST numbers of them) I will gladly grant you that privilege :P

Ummm background, I was born in Utah...please save the tears for later...I moved to Cali, than back to Utah (Now you can cry) Moved to Florida, fell majorly in love with the Ocean, and than moved to Idaho (Please, sob all you want) where I currently reside :(

I am in High School, as a senior. Though I get my associates degree before I get my HS diploma...warped right??

I LOVE TO COOK!!! I cook Italian, French (!!!!!), Americana...when I am forced to...and am starting to dominate Moroccan!!

I talk...allot...obviously...

And I really like meeting new people, have an awesome day

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Chocolate Soufflé

If this treat was a person, the only thing I would say to it is: I beat you...

Friday, August 20, 2010

Homo-cidal maniacs

You must, REALLY must watch this....Bahhaha, society's deep hatred for gay's is easily explained in this 3 min segment of existence.
Have fun!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Butterflies has butterflies....

Ohhhh dang...I am writing this post with a heart filled with butterflies. (I know super cheesy :D )

Well, I guess I should explain...

I met "Brandon" at a debate competition 2 years ago. I will admit...I hated him!! He had a speech that had half a dozen cheesy jokes in it, and those jokes were like nails on my mental chalkboard. I ended up watching his performance at least 5 times over a few tournaments, because we were in the same event. It was murder!! I wondered how many times I could watch his (admittedly good) cheesy piece, before my mind melted like his presence last night melted my heart. In the end, we parted that year without ever really speaking, or every really contacting each other.

The debate/speech year ended, and like the seasons it eventually began again. Throughout the next season we rarely saw each other, and again...we never spoke.

Honestly, upon reflection it wouldn't have had any real impact if we had spoken, we were both closeted. Even though that may be true...I wish I had.

Brandon, what can I say about him...? Well...I can promise (Though you may doubt it from my sentimental writing) that I am not in love, but majorly in like :). Ummm, I should now probably explain how we actually met.

Ohhh the joys of Facebook....(SAD, I KNOW!!!) But that is the truth. I have had him added as a friend for about 6 months, (Debaters add each other, that is just how it works) but again, we had never talked. Due to some amazing snooping skills, and an epic "gay-dar." I found a good friend of his. And asked if the two of them, friend+Brandon=an item. He was a little annoyed (I think his friend is SUPER closeted) but he let me know that "Brandon" is gay. That was an interesting little detail that I viewed as useless. The reason why is that; in my understanding "Brandon" lived 2 hours away. Long distance relationships say the least, counterproductive. After chatting with him for two hours he said "but yeah, I am wondering (and I only ask because you're like, my only 'source' lol. I hope you don't think I' using you or anything. That's not really in my nature) if you might in the future aid me in my quest for satisfaction, i.e. someone who fulfills me i.e. a boyfriend?" I wasn't exactly sure if he meant help him look for a boyfriend, or be his boyfriend, but since I thought he lived 2 hours away, I said "I would like that, but I really am not one for long distance relationships" and than he said "I'm not really a long-distance person either" And so it was over in my mind, but I thought we could chat, and talk so I was fine.

You may be seeing the clouds, but shortly after the sunshine came through. After a while he asked about whether or not I knew of any guys near a local High school (Keep in mind I spent the summer at college, and hadn't changed my "Current city" yet.) and I asked him "Why would you be looking near -----, you live 2 hours away!!" than he said "Wait, you don't know that I moved, do you!!" and than everything really fell into place :D.

So, last night I invited him over to watch a movie, and eat some pasta.
"Brandon" has some crazy parents and are very controlling. They know he is gay, they just are crazy about it. He was on lock-down for a month and a half following them reading his journal and finding out his secret. So, them knowing he was going on a date, that wasn't hetro. would have gotten him eaten...

So, because of the "Background" I assumed that even under the cover of my friend inviting him, and it being seen at her house, that they would say no...But, they didn't!!! I was very, very excited...(Obviously)

So, me and my friend went and picked him up, to continue the ruse. After he got into the car, we headed back to her house to watch "Fired Up" (A very funny movie)
He has never been able to date, there were never any guys. So...My limited experience seems rather vast to him...(Agrrrggggg, he is so adorable)

So, knowing that he had never even held a hand, or anything over that I was super nervous that I would seem too forward, and I really didn't want to make him uncomfortable. So, when I sat down, I was pleasantly surprised that he sat down next to me. So, because I am such a huge girl, I didn't want to make the first move, aka hold his hand. But, since I knew he was so nervous...I really did know that he was, I remembered being there before...

And so, I started it. I know how much someone else wanting to hold your hand means. I was well received :). And so, by the end of the night we had spent most of the movie cuddling, and holding hands, and my friend (Like a good friend would so) left periodically so that we could get slightly more intimate if so desired. As much as I wanted to kiss him, I was just so content to hold him, and have him hold me that I really didn't try too hard.

You know when you get that feeling that what you are doing is just great, and that the world is just melting away??

I had that feeling...And I didn't want to change it at all.

So, than the movie was over. After that we watched a few episodes of "That 70's Show." I held him and felt his heart beat.

For those who love the sound, and the feel of heartbeats, you know how telling they can be.
As I held him I felt his heart beat faster every time I caressed his face. and every time I played with his hair. And than when I would just hold him, his heart beat would slow down, and it made me smile allot.

I have a high paced personality, so needless to say, I kept his heart beating fast, and he (Unknowingly) did the same to me.

The last detail I will leave you with was the final verdict, embodied is dialog.

Just before we left, I whispered in his ear "Just wanted to let you know, I kinda like you..."
(Than I grinned. :D)
Than he whispered in my ear "I think I like you too"
(Than he grinned really adorably :D)
Thanks for reading!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hello SLC!!!

Hey blogging world!! It seems to me, that most of the "MoHo's" are based in either SLC or surrounding area. Now, moving along that tangent. I will be in SLC on Tuesday (Unless something goes horribly wrong :P ) and wanted to see if anyone wanted to hang out. I cannot promise much time, but a few "Meet n' greets" would be ideal. Let me know!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

In response to "Vidalia Onions, Christ Jesus, and Gay Marriage"

That is the link to the site that this is in response for. Honestly one of the best worded and least offensive anti-gay marriage arguments I have ever read...Check it out if you would like.

Here is my response:

Honestly, though I disagree with much of what you have said, I really respect your analogies, and ideals. That being said, I would like to say why I personally want the shift in the definition.

Many people believe that homosexuality is a choice, I can assure you, it is not. With this difference, whether it is a choice or not, we see in the individuals a desire for respect. But even more than respect, we want understanding. The vast majority of homosexuals want to live a life that is not always under the scrutiny of their peers. We do not seek out negative attention, who would??

This taken into account easily explains why we want the word marriage. Marriage is something that is glorified in many instances by Hollywood, and even by Disney. We have grown up seeing that as our happy ending. No kid, either straight or gay, watches cinderella and thinks "Boy, I sure don't want to end up happily ever after...and I sure would like a civic union" Not a chance. We want normalacy, and though you may deem it abnormal, for is the ONLY normal we can strive for. Sir, you are obviously very intelligent, but you lack a certain perspective that you were blessed not to have. I really hated myself for the longest time, and than I had an revelation...If I can't change, that means that I was made this way, and if that's true than maybe I am meant to be this way.

Sir, I want my big white wedding, and I will strive for the rest of my life to get it. Have a great day, we all need great days :)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Playlist

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Here is my playlist, I hope you enjoy :)

-Why we gays are so stereotypical part 2-

This is my humble attempt to figure these mysterious stereotypes out
Why we are typically stylish:

In my opinion this is extremely easy to define. In the period of our lives where we are closeted we feel suppressed. We are not able to express ourselves in the ways we would like, and our self esteem is typically low. When we look inside and see something we don't like, I believe that we attempt to overcompensate through dress.

People notice when you look really good, and hearing that praise that may come from wearing coordinated clothes is like crack-cocaine to the compliment starved. When you are closeted you cannot really do much to draw attention, some gays (not many lesbians in this example) will join things like the cheer-leading squad...all the while not realizing that they effectively outed themselves by even considering such an obvious incursion into "chick" territory. Many closeted individuals are scared enough that they would never consider such an "out-able" method for acceptance, and will do the safer thing and just dress above average.

In a way, this stereotype, and a few others, only occur because they are stereotypes. I know that probably sounds confusing, so please allow me to explain before you reach for the Excedrin. Even closeted gays know that gays typically dress well, if a bit flamboyantly, so they feel safe and feel like they are embracing the part of themselves that they want to hide by dressing well, but not to flamboyantly. In essence, if they cannot be a flamingo, they will at least wear pink.

In a shortened sense, gays dress well (and I guess lesbians dress horrifically...JK) because they have low self esteem in the closeted period(typically up until late HS), which carries over into adulthood, they want to express themselves in a safe way, and because they want to embrace their gay identity.

The next installment will be on why gays stereotypically love to cook( I will also do a few from the lesbian perspective later on in the "series" (haha, how am I so dorky??)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

-Why we gays are so stereotypical part 1-

I have been thinking about this topic for a while, and I think I can explain why most gays have so many likes and dislikes in common. I am obviously not the first person to realize that we all have allot in common, and probably not even the first to try to understand why. Here is my humble attempt to explain why so many gays have so many stereotypes in common. To start off, first we have to look at the stereotypes themselves. Here are the first that I will go through:

1. An appreciation of theater

First is an appreciation of theater. The root of this “trait” that runs rampant through the homosexual population is rather complex, in my opinion. Most gays go through a closeted period, where they know that they are gay, but are ashamed of it due to societal and religious dogma. It is this period where the person has to pretend. They must pretend to “like” the opposite gender, they must pretend to not “like” the same gender, they must pretend to have relationships, they have to pretend like chick flicks are lame *Shudder*, and must essentially play the part of normal guy/girl. This is what theater is all about; playing the part of someone you are not, to please the crowd. In this period of self-loathing, and hiding, the person in question feels smothered and feels like who they are is being suppressed. When you hate who you are, being someone else, and being applauded for it, really is great. In addition we love the way it makes us feel.

When you are on stage, you are the center of attention (something that most closeted gays rarely get, due to the fact that being “normal” is far from exciting) it makes a monumental difference. When we finally have an outlet for being, or even have the opportunity to watch someone else be loud, proud, and most importantly themselves, it really strikes a chord. How can we not feel, and be touched by the ideals that theater pushes out so thoroughly??? Drama teachers and acting coaches always have stressed that you should be your character, but never lose yourself. How can we not be touched when we hear the message “Be yourself!!” over and over again? How can we not feel empowered and special when we see an actor/actress on a stage singing their heart out about being true to themselves? In my case, how could I not feel like taking on the world when listening to “Defying Gravity”??

In simple terms, and in summary, we love theater because theater is the exhibition of oneself. After oppressing yourself, nothing could be sweeter.

The next installment will be why I think gays are stereotypically stylish. (At the moment I have a list of 4 more that I will take on, if you have one that you want me to write about, let me know.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Favorite Song

It is so cliche, but my favorite song ever is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." My favorite version of the song is by child star "Aselin Debison." Her voice is amazing, and it is truly a treat to listen to. Here is one of the youtube examples of her singing this song.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My Stance

I realize, looking back over my past posts, I really have only made a few of my belief's clear. I have bashed
religion and ignorance, encouraged individuality in both of the linked posts. I have also spouted ridiculously cheesy B.F. stories. In addition I have had quite a few problems with "Andys", and more "Andys." (Maybe it is because I had my Pokemon cards stolen by an Andy in 2nd grade...Who knows??)
I have done these things, but I haven't really shown where I stand in allot of issues. So, without further a-due, "My Stance"

Indoctrination: One of the greatest evil's of our time. It seems so strange to me that Christianity claims that the entity that embodies evil, aka "The Devil/Satan/Lucifer/Glen Beck" tried to take away free will, and force us to choose "The Right." (See, told you Satan was a republican extremist!!) Yet, these religions do something almost completely similar! I admit, there is no 100% loss of choice, but if you have been indoctrinated from birth to believe something without much doubt, and are in a community setting like those seen in Utah, or Idaho there is almost nothing you wouldn't do to avoid that shame, and public loss of status. (Contend if you will, but I KNOW, just as many of you KNOW that your religion is correct, that religion should be for 18+ and that morals are the thing that should be fostered before that.)
Mark Twain: "Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned Faith is believing in that which I know ain't so." Because I love the Quote, I will forgive the use of "ain't."

The Mormon Church: Wow, major mixed feelings...On one hand I love it like a family because of the wonderful things it has done for my family, and in some ways for me. It has given me a good set of morals(...that I...might...just toss away for any passing man with facial hair... :D ), given me some AMAZING friends, fostered a belief that hope has power, and helped me find out who I am and what things are worth fighting for. On the opposite hand, the stifling expectations, religious ultimatums, homophobia, racism, and most unpardonable Ignorance lead me (And obviously many, many others) to periods of depression, self loathing, suicide attempts, and bitterness towards all that the church stands for. I will say that the Mormon church has done much more good than bad, but I refuse to forgive and forget, because you can never truly forgive, the original offence will ALWAYS play a part in how you interact with said offender, and to forget is to return to ignorance concerning a person, which is impossible, and idealistic at best.
David O. McKay “Although, I do not care much for a negro, still I have a warm spot in my heart for those beautiful singers.” Try switching "Negro" for "Homo" and picture Kurt on Glee...Funny how that works...

Homosexuality: This has really changed over the years...I can honestly say that at this moment (And hopefully until I die) I love it, I would not change it, and that it is one of the greatest sources of happiness in my life. In is NOT unnatural, it is NOT wrong, it is NOT a sin, it is NOT a perversion, and it is NOT a choice. Here is a link proving the first which has a list of nearly 200 species of mammals where homosexuality is prevalent. There is no 100% positive evidence for proving whether it is wrong or right, because morals are dependent upon each individual. Here is some evidence supporting that it is good for people, and leads to happier lives at least in the case of gay marriage, and civil unions. It is not a sin, I firmly believe this, because in all honesty I don't believe in the concept of sin. There is good, there is bad, there is not in my mind a mental compartment where those bad things are tallied and considered sin. In remote villages in Africa, cannibalism is encouraged and not considered a "sin" by those who commit it, yet people who have never tried it, or have any divine proof in it's evil see themselves fit to deem it sin. In addition, though it may sound cliche, love is not a sin, no matter the form in regards to sexuality. It is not a perversion. Perversion is defined by Webster as: "a concept describing those types of human behavior that are a serious deviation from what is considered to be orthodox or normal." Is it really a deviation from normalcy to look for happiness? If used is a strict sense in opposition to homosexuality, this would be used to back a statement like "If it wasn't a major deviation from normalcy than more people would do this, so it must be a perversion!!!" In rebuttal, "human behavior" is ill defined, COMPLETELY theoretical, and contradictory. It is "normal" to be catholic in the Vatican, therefore it is a perversion to be Mormon there, in a society of people with brown eyes in 90% of people, blue and green eyes are a perversion, it is "normal" to be black in Africa, therefore white is the true perversion there, it is "normal" in San Fransisco to be gay, therefore heterosexuality is the perversion there. You may have noticed that I used examples of things determined at birth, I.E. skin color, eye color, and sexual orientation I used these, because in the case of the definition, historically those things were, and in the case of sexuality still are, perceived as a choice in many religious groups. If it was a choice, why would anyone choose it?? Why would anyone choose to be hated, feared, disrespected, abandoned by friends and family, rejected by society, humiliated, hurt, and be subjected to hate crimes?? The answer, they wouldn't...
The National Mental Health Association has said, and stands by the statement that "Most researchers believe sexual orientation is complex, and that biology plays an important role. This means that many people are born with their sexual orientation, or that it's established at an early age"

Gay marriage: In essence I believe that it is a matter of equality. Opponents of it say that it will "Destroy the family" or that somehow, when the definition changes, so will the significance. This is so ridiculous it hurts. This is religion saying that they are being persecuted for standing by their faiths...the strange thing about that is that the "standing" is usually on the backs of minorities.
It is a matter of equality, everyone deserves the love, and the responsibility that comes with the sealing of vows. After all the Hallmark indoctrinated wedding fervor, and the numberless chick flicks we all love to watch so very, very can we settle? I don't know about you, but my happy ending does include a beautiful white wedding, and I will fight for that. I firmly believe that the true reason that most religious groups that are against gay marriage are in the position, because they do not want gay's to be legitimized, thus rendering them bigots for their beliefs, and their stance on the issue in the public eye. This is a reasonable fear, because they WILL be seen as bigots, "it" is coming, and in that I rejoice.

(They are sooooo cute :D )
Pursuing a Homosexual life: Do it, you will have your fair share of regrets, but you will have more joy than I believe you could through any other medium. Deep down, I really believe that we all just want to be held, and to hold, and we deserve the security, the happiness, and the love that will truly complete us. Never give up when you get knocked down. One of the main reasons I got mad at the first (and probably the same "Andy" who's comments I deleted on the fireside post) "Andy" was because he had a bad experience, and decided to base his life around it. It is just as likely to happen in a heterosexual relationship, and giving up just shows how weak of a person you are. Anyone reading, who has opposing views, or feels like I have "wronged" them...Too bad... Like I have said before, don't sacrifice your life for an eternity defined by those with a limited understanding. And have a really great day.

Me, and my friend Moving Horizons!

So, a new, and unique experience occurred on Thursday.
In accordance with serendipity, me and blogger Moving Horizons we actually able to meet in SLC! I was in town for a concert (Though I really don't even like the band...) and he was there for work, and a visit to family explained in his coming out post's. It was sort of scary, really fun, and many other things...but the biggest thing it was, was relaxing. There was very little stress, even when his


temporary roommate started an argument that defied monotonous.
Here are some events:

We meet up at pioneer park, which was PACKED with people who were attending the concert, I ditched the friends who I had came with, went to MH's temporary appartment, argued with his roommate for 45 min.+, went to the M. Mall, ate yummy food, talked some (Not as much as I would have liked to) and the night ended...

Sorry that is so...abrupt/stop-n'-go but I am rather tired :P
Have a good night, dear blogging world...

Love ya' like a sister (Hahaha) MH

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

New Profile Picture...

I liked the old one, but I made this one...And I like it better :D It is bigger in this form, so you can actually see it! I really love Black and white, I am not "Emo" or anything...+ that label is really lame...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Friends, and reactions to coming out.

Ohhh goodness, I am going to need allot of fake names! I have, in the last couple of weeks, gone on a coming out spree, to close friends, and distant family. Here are some reactions...edited

1. Cousin: "Haha...too funny!! Ohhhh wait, you are serious???" "I have a gay cousin???? AWESOME!!!" And then we rocked out to Ke$ha...I love dancing, and I laughed super hard!!!
2. Friend T---y: "lol, really???, I guess I can tell you now, I liked you for a while! This makes things...odd" Me and T---y are now Amazing friends, and what was a fun, and meaningless friendship is now one of the greatest that I have.
3. Friend S--A: "OMG YAAAAAAAYYYYY" "I have a gay friend now!!!" Hahaha, loved that! She was so cool about it that we have became even better friends than we were before.
4. Friend N--a: (She has been my best friend for 5 years...I cannot believe I didn't tell her) "Wow...why didn't you tell me earlier, I love you so much that it would have never changed anything." (I who almost never cries...Balled my eyes out...I was so relieved.) She than proceed ed to show me all the gay guys she knows (712 FB friends) to figure out my kind of guy. (Aka Stubble to facial hair 1/4 of an inch long max, tanish, smart looking, 6'1 perfect teeth...I know...Not many have them all...I will find him...don't you worry.)
5. Friend J--y: "That's why you dress so well!!!" Haha I love her to pieces!
6. Friend B-----r: (Only guy on the list) "Lol so what??" His non-caring attitude made me so happy, you wouldn't believe what indifference to my "dirty little secret" feels like!
7. Friend M-----y: "BHG (substitute for first name) DARLING, I am so happy for you!! And this explains your amazing hair." (I promise that I am not trying to build myself up, this is almost verbatim what they all have said)
8: Grandmother: (ROAR!!! I accidentally left my email up, and she read my college paper about sociatial pressures towards conformity, which included heavy amounts of personal stories, and my coming out story....) "I don't give a damn BHG!!! I love you, and want you to find the peace, and happiness you deserve."I forgave her instantly, she defied social norms to the extreme. She is a neo-conservative active Mormon housewife of 75 years...I was shocked. I love you grandma (Not that she reads my blog)
Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One of probably more people adversely affected by the fireside

When I said to many people in private that this fire side would be a mistake...I received responses like "Naaaaa, at least they are talking about it!" This is just the conversation between me, and a kid who went, who two hours later said "I choose to be straight, It is a choice."
(Warning extreme levels of ignorance, and bad grammar on his part, may cause a drop in IQ)


Hello ------, I was referred to you by a friend, and If you are interested, I can direct you to an online database called the "MoHo Blogisphere" It is a collection of Mo, as in mormon, Ho as in homosexuals, who write, and read about people in a similar situation. The great thing about this collection of blogs, is that it is not one sided, there are men, like you, that seem to be choosing to go the path of MOM (Mixed Orientation Marriages), there are those who are in them, and there are those that have left them. Also in attendance is a whole bushel of other circumstances. Here is the link, if you would like to look at it, and If you want to talk, I have allot of insight in the matter.

I am also a homosexual, and If you could keep that in confidence, I would appreciate it. My parents have forbidden me from coming out until I graduate. I have been in the situation you would like to go into, and can give some help, from practical experience. I am a little biased, but I know both the sides. Have a great day, and ignore this message if you would like. It is your choice ------, and it always will be.

Heres the thing. Im not gay anymore nor do i ever want to be. I dont like being gay and im turning my life around. Im joing the church again and im gonna become a faithful memeber to the LDS religion. Im not gay so please dont act like i am
Haha, okay. Thats fine, the thing is that there are many people on the blogs doing the exact same thing. You would be very conceded to think that you are unique in this instance, or that you can't use a little help. Homosexuality, no matter what you seem to think, is not removable it is a recessive genetic gene. I spent 8 years praying for it to go away...Obviously didn't work. I am not trying to "Re-Gay" you or anything, just saying you are not alone, and it is not possible in the way you would like to think. Seriously...who do you think you are? If you think you are the man who will finally "beat" homosexuality, than good luck...but it doesn't work that way.
Actually it does you havent had enough faith. It is not a gene it is an orientation. It seriously is not genetic. BUt you can think that and go on in disbeleif. We are not born gay god would not do that to us. I dont need help from that site and i dont care to look into it. I got gods help and the scriptures and i can be fixed. Also if it was genetic god would still be able to fix it cause he is the creator of all and he has the power to do so. So whatever you beleif god can still change it no matter what. But i do not belive in that way i think its just an orientation and nothing more. Im not gay im straight i like girls and i dont believe in that kind of lifestyle. Dont try to tell me otherwise i know what im like i know what i feel and i definatley do not like guys at all. Im not gay.
Really, because you are fit to judge my faith? You are obviously an imbecile, who has never heard of the Human Genome Project where they proved that homosexuality is a genetic thing, like green or brown eyes. You can argue with science, but it just makes you look even more stupid than your piss poor grammar does Have a nice life jackass, and when your Mixed Orientation Marriage falls apart like many of them do...Hope you have fun with divorce, and child support. And even if god could change me...I would never take it, I am happy, and I know who I am.

Needless to say I was very displeased with the religious assumptions, and indoctrination that is apparent in even this Non-Mormon.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A fascinating Theory

I am not sure if any of you have read, or seen this before, But I thought it was completely fascinating, and worth sharing. So...Enjoy!

"You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that's when you met me.

"What... what happened?" You asked. "Where am I?"

"You died," I said, matter-of-factly. No point mincing words.

"There was a... a truck and it was skidding..."

"Yup." I said.

"I... I died?"

"Yup. But don't feel bad about it. Everyone dies." I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. "What is this place?" You asked. "Is this the afterlife?"

"More or less," I said.

"Are you god?" You asked.

"Yup." I replied. "I'm God."

"My kids... my wife," you said.

"What about them?"

"Will they be alright?"

"That's what I like to see," I said. "You just died and your main concern is your family. That's good stuff right there."

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn't look like God. I just looked like some man. Some vague authority figure. More of a a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

"Don't worry," I said. "They'll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn't have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved." "To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it's any consolation, she'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved."

"Oh," you said. "So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"

"Neither," I said. "You'll be reincarnated."

"Ah," you said. "So the Hindus were right."

"All the religions are right in their own way," I said. "Walk with me."

You followed along as we strolled in the void. "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular," I said. "It's just nice to walk while we talk."

"So what's the point, then?" You asked. "When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter?"

"Not so!" I said. "You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don't remember them right now."

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. "Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experiences it had."

"You've been a human for the last 34 years, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for longer, you'd start remembering everything. But there's no point doing that between each life."

"How many times have I been reincarnated then?"

"Oh, lots. Lots and lots. And into lots of different lives." I said. "This time around you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 A.D."

"Wait, what?" You stammered. "You're sending me back in time?"

"Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from."

"Where you come from?" You pondered.

"Oh, sure!" I explained. "I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there's others like me. I know you'll want to know what it's like there but you honestly won't understand."

"Oh." You said, a little let down. "But wait, if I get reincarnated to other places in time, could I have interacted with myself at some point?"

"Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own timespan, you don't even know its happening."

"So what's the point of it all?"

"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

"Well, it's a reasonable question." You persisted.

I looked in your eye. "The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."

"You mean mankind? You want us to mature?"

"No. Just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature, and become a larger and greater intellect."

"Just me? What about everyone else?"

"There is no one else," I said. "In this universe, there's just you, and me."

You stared blankly at me. "But all the people on Earth..."

"All you. Different incarnations of you."

"Wait. I'm everyone!?"

"Now you're getting it." I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

"I'm every human who ever lived?"

"Or who will ever live, yes."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln?"

"And you're John Wilkes Booth." I added.

"I'm Hitler?" You said, appalled.

"And you're the millions he killed."

"I'm Jesus?"

"And you're everyone who followed him."

You fell silent.

"Every time you victimized someone," I said, "You were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you've done, you've done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

"Why?" You asked me. "Why do all this?"

"Because someday, you will become like me. Because that's what you are. You're one of my kind. You're my child."

"Whoa." You said, incredulous. "You mean I'm a god?"

"No. Not yet. You're a fetus You're still growing. Once you've lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born." 

"So the whole universe," you said. "It's just..."

"An egg of sorts." I answered. "Now it's time for you to move on to your next life."

And I sent you on your way.

By Anonymous.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Found ya'

Bravone is a silly guy, we ended up figuring out who each other is via FB and Blogging. I think It ended up being one of the funniest, and most odd Experiences ever...Here is why:

At first I thought he was someone else, someone that I had taken a class with in school a while back...That ended up not being the case! After complaining about some of "Our" ignorant class mates and letting him know that I had never crushed on him, or anything like that. Then after finding out a few min. later that he was 30ish years my surety in his identity sure did change!...Ohhh The joy's of the Internet!

Thank you Bravone for the odd...yet humorous situation that ended with me only making a HUGE fool of myself...

Isn't being found out SO much worse that telling others? I have found that to be 100% true...


Saturday, June 12, 2010

My exceptionally harsh rebuttal...(Too much?...)

This is what I said in dispute of a post by Andy Foree...Needless to say I was quite furious...

"I am sorry, I know that I don't know you very well but I feel impressed to say this.

Do what you feel is right; no matter what others define as right. You are your own person and should not be influenced by outside forces. (even though this message may seem influential) You are obviously at a cross road and it seems to me like you are taking the easy route. Now before you get angry, allow me to explain. It is not easy in the obvious sense. Why it is easy, is because it involves NO risk, you will never have your heart broken, your peers will respect you, your bishop will use you as an object lesson that just makes it so much harder for kids like me! It is a submission for the measly reward of sociatial approval. You playing the part of the lamb, when you could play the loin! Just because it will be easier in an overall sense, does not mean it will be worth it. You seem to, in my limited understanding of your situation, be conforming to the will of the majority. And the sentence that truly bothered me was "The decision that is right for me, my dear friends, is to follow the map that God has prepared." In ever religion I have ever heard of there have been spiritual experiences that prove to that individual that their church is correct, and with that in mind realize that the Mormon Church is only offering one road! In any map I have ever seen there is ALWAYS more than one way, or road, that leads to the eventual goal! I know, through inspiration outside of the Church, that the path I am on is right FOR ME! My path is not the path for everyone! And just like mine isn’t, neither is Uchtdorf's, or god's as you see fit to define it, the ONLY path. Sadly, only1 in 10 people will ever truly understand the part of you that you are deeming unworthy, so I advise to take the condemnation of your peers, in the church, with a grain of sugar : ). In the end, the choice you will be making is to either live your life the way you were programmed to, or to sacrifice your life for an eternity defined by those with as limited an understanding of who you are as a mountain goat. Many of the people who have helped you reach the decision you have made simply do not have the capacity to understand. Know that you may end up like many of the “MoHo's” on the "blogisphere", forty, divorced, filled with regret, bitter, and confused. (To any 40 year old “moho's” no offence meant. I just wish you had known how it would end up.) You are not the first to take the path, and you won’t be the last. But PLEASE don't throw away your life for your eternity.

(I know that you expressed desires to not try to change our minds, but I was extremely angered by the assumption in the last statement. You said "and I have never, voiced an opinion against your personal decisions for happiness." Yet, you condemn any don't follow your path as those who are not following god. The two are NOT mutually exclusive! You are not, and neither is any man but himself, fit to define "the map." I am very sorry I have gotten so heated...I am an avid debater, and what you said, though I know it was unintentional…boiled my blood, and I am very slow to anger...sorry but I just can't stand back and let you believe that such talk is not sharp, or condemning and dangerous! Many times it is the things that you don’t say that hurt the most. You spoke in a way that a year ago would have made me feel like scum, and will likely do the same to any young readers of your post. Adding your unconditional love at the end, does nothing to soften the blow of your condemnation. If your “love” for me comes with conditional approval because I have decided to follow my heart, and my soul, than please; keep it...) "

Anyone who is reading this on either side of the fence, I don't know you, you don't know me, but know this: You matter, you are more than a label, you are a friend waiting to happen! I cannot and will not say I love you, Because At this point...I probably don't even know you...haha...But I do know that I would like to know you and that if I do, I will probably end up loving you. And if you EVER want to talk just send me an email. I matter, you matter...I know that now...and if you need help seeing your own worth, well than I can, and would be delighted to help.


Friday, June 11, 2010

My First Kiss, aka : )

So, even though there are not that many of you, I would like to share the story of my first kiss with you.

Before the first kiss you probably need some background as too what lead up to the relationship, and eventually the kiss(ing ; )

There was a guy, I had known him from school activities, and a few classes together, for now I shall call him...Asher, because I have always loved the name.

Asher was, and is a very good looking guy, in addition to his tan skin and great hair, he had my favorite thing on a guy: Facial Hair (!!!!) He is smart, dorky, and great at conversation. He also had one characteristic about him that sealed the deal. He is gay.

Sure, before the conversation in which I told him and vise versa, (and he was the first person I had ever told) I am gay, I pretty much knew he was gay. His loves Oprah, dresses well, has effeminate mannerisms, and just sent my gay-dar into a frenzy. But even with those assumptions I wasn't sure because he is closeted, before I told him I was gay I had to be sure, so the following conversation (which was so sweet you might puke...) happened.

Me: "Ummm...Asher?"
Asher: "Yea?"
Me: "Well....I have a proposition to make."
Asher: "Sure?"
Me: "I will ask you three questions, and if you answer them truthfully, I will do the same."
Me: "First are you seeing anyone?"
Asher: "No"
Me: "Are"
Asher: "....yes"
(My life got a whole lot brighter)
Me: "And third...Do you like me...?"
Asher: "...Yea"
Me: "Okay Now your turn..."
Asher: "Ditto,Ditto,Ditto"
Me: "....No....(Hardest thing I ever said)....yea....And....A whole lot."
Asher: "Ohhh"
And then He smiled, I smiled right back!

Later on in the friendship, we were hanging out in his basement, talking about random childhood stories, and facts, when again I said something than asked another question.
Me: "Voglio baciarla realmente." (I really Want to kiss you in Italian) Will you sit next to me?"
(He didn't know what that meant fully at the time, but he probably saw it in my eyes.)
He than came, tentatively, over beside me, sat down, and looked up at me.
At this point my heart was beating like a drum.
Asher: "Yea?"
I then took his glasses off slowly, leaned closer and said:
Me: " I really, really want to kiss you...and so I am going to..." (I know...rather smart ass of me ; )
We both leaned in and shared our mutual first kiss.

To those who are Homosexual, and have never kissed, or been kissed by a guy/girl, (depending on whether you are gay or lesbian) There is nothing that can compare with the feelings of joy, as well as the melting down of past insecurities that comes with the action. That one moment alone, though the relationship did end, changed my life forever. I knew at that point that throwing away my life, for the hopes of a good afterlife, was insane.

I have never been able to settle, I am more competitive that you could possibly imagine, and I could never settle for anything but love with a man. To those who have managed to "overcome" SSA, a disgusting term for a limited imagination, I don't know how you did/do it, but I wish you happiness, and though it is not my place, I encourage you to have your REAL first kiss and than decide whether it is "evil" or like I have decided, just a different type of beautiful.

(And "Asher" if you are reading this, and see anything you wish to change or tweak due to inaccuracy, let me know through email, and I will.)

Who visited lil' ol' me